I was doing some deep thinking today about how people measure time in the sense of their age.
I was thinking of all the things people stop themselves from doing because they think they are too old.
It’s definitely something I struggle with at times because my mind reminds me all the time I am not 21.
From getting ready in the morning and wondering if I should wear my ripped up, bohemian, rocker clothes I’ve always worn with my combat boots.
Or if I should really start cleaning myself up a bit and look more polished.
And wondering if eyeliner now makes me look older or younger? I really can’t ever tell.
But, truth is, not one thing that we think about that deals with age and time and deciding the things we should do with our time as we age matter at all.
Not at all.
I’ve had friends pass away in high school.
My heart hurts over my darling friend who recently passed away, so fresh and young. It would have been his birthday today.
I have very unhealthy patients I see on the daily living into their 90’s.
When I worked in pediatrics, I saw terrible things happen to children.
I feel like people, myself included, decide the things they want to do by measuring their age and the amount of time they supposedly have left.
Every time I contemplate making a decision and the ridiculous “I am not young enough” or “I’m getting older” or “I’ll be too old when I finish” …blah bah blah blah pops up in my head, I try to become aware of it immediately and slap myself. Hard.
Because I have no idea how much time I have!
If I say, gosh, if I down this route it’ll take me 10 years but if I go down the other route it’ll just take me 5 years.
Well whats the better choice?
The only choice is the one that makes me the happiest. The one I will be most proud of. Day after day.
I don’t know if I will get to live with the 10 year road for another 60 years or the 5 year road for only another 10 years. Or vice versa.
I don’t know if the end of my life will be at 100 years old, or at 40, or in a week.
This is extremely difficult to write down and even think. I just got a pang in my heart.
But it’s the truth and I have to accept it. I’ve already seen enough young, promising lives taken away to know this is true.
I have to make decisions to just live my life as best as I can for my loved ones and myself.
In nursing school, one of my instructors was telling her story of going back to college to further her nursing degree at age 50.
She told the class how scared and insecure she was because she was older.
She told us she was venting to her husband and said “But it’ll take 5 years to finish, I will be 55 by the time I graduate!”.
Her husband then replied
“But you’re going to be 55 in 5 years anyway, hopefully”.
And that was that. She got her degree and there she was. Teaching us and changing my little life.
So, what am I doing with my time here?
Truth is you just have to want to do what you’re doing, right?
I really don’t think it matters if you’re trying to make a life decision at 60 or at 20. The coin toss is the same if you ask me.
What matters is your experiences and quality of life.
We just have to constantly be doing our best. Not anybody else’s best.
Take care of yourselves and those you love.