Sassy Good Old Days
Before I bring up the good old days, I need to vent about my sassy.
There is a real inner and outer struggle of being sassy and sweet to the core. I am a super SASSquatch about 90% of the time. Okay no maybe 85%..I have a big mouth with little to no filter and a resting face that lets everyone know exactly what I am thinking. Passive aggressiveness is never welcome so I intend to be as direct and honest as they come, especially when asked questions. Even if I cross someone on their sour side. I have tried in the past to be someone else because people have said my way is not “nice”. Well screw that. I am a sass queen with a heart of gold that wants to save the world. But sometimes it feels like I am a little too much. Like this week.
It’s been a weird week. A real roller coaster kind of a week.
No, I’m not complaining, no one likes a complainer. Good heavens especially not me.
But this week I feel emotionally down on my personality. Mainly because of this sassy internal dilemma I have going on.
I embrace my sassiness, and feel everyone should embrace every part of themselves. But there are moments like this week when I don’t understand myself. I am not sure if I am a mean person who wants to be good or if I am way too passionate and out of control.
These are confusing moments for me because it throws me into an identity crisis. I feel justified for my actions in a way because I care too much about someone or something and feel I should be understood.
Then there are other times where I can go over board and get lost in an anger fog, most embarrassingly a victimized kind of a fog and say something mean without thinking first.
IE- After certain family circumstances this week lead to an already emotional insecure time for my personality, I was taking a math exam I had very well prepared for. During the exam I immediately felt victimized. I thought to myself
“Why is this Professor trying to trick us with these math problems?! I study, I spend countless hours trying to figure out how to solve these problems in my homework correctly with a crappy math book and he gives us problems he hasn’t even taught fully! He is setting us up for failure!”.
I am also the kind of person that takes hours upon hours to finish tests. Any kind of test. I take my time and think everything through. So time was nearing toward the end of the exam and I began shaking.
Well, I was caught in such a victimized angry fog that afterwards I ended up telling the professor exactly what I thought. And it wasn’t right. Even if I was right. I had no right to say it. Or act on it. In that fog I had forgotten things he said that would help us on the test and of course he wants us to pass, not fail. I was being mean, even if he did try to make the test tricky. That’s what Professors do I guess. I felt horrible regret and apologized. Twice. And again on e-mail..
This is why I meditate..so these moments don’t happen.
The internal storm has not yet passed. I need to meditate more and catch myself when I am in a fog about to react. Maybe those irrational moments have nothing to do with me being sassy and more to do with my insecurities…hmmmm?
I love journaling because it gives me clarity and figures things out as I write them down, like the above sentence. Now I go try and figure that sentence out and write it about it some more later.
Okay, I’ve embarrassed myself plenty on this journal entry. I really don’t want to post it.
You know what song really standing out to me right now?
The Good Old Days by Macklemore and Kesha.
I loved it and it moved me the first moment I heard it. It is beautifully written and beautifully sung. As I was listening to the words, they were hitting me deeply.
I was thinking of all the good old days and how I just wanted to be older so bad. Wanted to be independent in a flash. Also had all the drama that follows a teen and tween girl. I did not realize what a good old time I was having and it made me sad I wasn’t better and wasn’t more in the moment in those good old days to appreciate them.
Then it hit me.
Man, the good old days are now too aren’t they? I am living my good old days that I will look back on in 10 years and have these same nostalgic feelings!
So I’ve been thinking of how to reinvent these good old days in a way I wont look back on them and wonder what I missed out on and why I did not realize then-now- they were-are- the good old days.
I think this goes for anyone no matter what stage of life we are in because we are alive and living every moment.
10 years from now today I will look at my lovely attic apartment that my beautiful Chewie loves too and all the sunlight it has beaming though all of my windows. I’ll remember sitting on this very living room floor writing this journal entry on my very first MAC computer. Definitely will miss this floor and this shaggy Ikea rug, the first rug I ever bought myself. I love it inside my Pasadena little bungalow style apartment. I mean I want to move up in the world so hopefully I wont be here still in 10 years but if I am, that’s okay because I love this floor. Now the rug I wont have because yuck. But I will miss the rug.
I’ll remember trying to age as gracefully as I can and probably kick myself for worrying about what aging is doing to my self esteem and how to find “my style” in my 30’s….( ummm I can write about that later).
Yes I will probably want to punch myself smack dab in the face for feeling this way so I should go work on this now huh? .
Actually, thinking really deeply about it now, I wish I could stay here, in this moment forever.
Here are the lyrics to the song – https://genius.com/Macklemore-good-old-days-lyrics
Anywho, The Los Angeles woman’s march downtown was really amazing! I felt so proud to be there and at the same time felt a deep connection with women in decades past that have fought for the same things and more that we are fighting for today. They have really paved the way for us. A lot of men were there too. Everyone supporting each other. The energy was on fire!
Because equal is equal. Period.
On a side note- I swear my yoga teacher is trying to kill me.
I really love this certain instructors hot yoga class so naturally I am happy when able to take it but every time, I forget that at the end of the class she likes to go around and give massages to some people during shavasana.
Yes, I always realize this too late. I can feel her crouch down above me as my eyes are closed and I brace myself for impact. I put on my best namaste face and try to breathe as her freakishly strong fingers try and puncture my muscles and my skull..
If you guys feel open to share some of your stories with me it would really help me and we’d help each other I feel. Please leave comments or direct message me so we can vent and also bathe ourselves in gratitude.
Also please share your thoughts with me on these posts. Am I rambling? Should I stick to less thoughts/subjects? Help! Let me know.
Okay I have to go do a million pages of math homework now.
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