Dealing with body image is a struggle for everyone no matter what you weigh or what gender you are. This is part one of my story. Honestly this post really took a turn when I started writing it and when I started combing thru old photos of mine to show you my weight loss story. I turned out quite shocked. Stay tuned for part two to find out! It truly enlightened me for the better.
I believe I started being conscious about my weight as soon as I hit puberty, but in a positive way. I was actually really happy because my curves just exploded, literally over night and I started getting attention from boys. My mama would tell me to hide my boobs, even when I was wearing a plain old oversized t shirt. All of a sudden I felt like a sexy, mind you I was 12.
Before I hit puberty I was quite the shy, dorky latin girl in school who was still learning english. I had a mustache and did not know my hair was curly so I would brush it out all the time making into a big puff ball. I wore shorts from Wal-Mart in the boys section and my arms and legs were oh, oh so hairy. I think the only thing I was missing was braces. Which I thought were cool because everyone had them.
So you can imagine hitting puberty and getting a womanly figure, getting boys attention was unfortunately what I desired. I wanted badly to keep my figure so I started doing Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks VCR tapes and attempted to run. Ive always been sporty, spending my life in gymnastics and rollerblading every single day , but I did all that for pure fun. This is was the first time I was exercising with the sole purpose of aesthetics. I would watch all the girls at my school suddenly turn into PYT’s (pretty young things) and I admired them.
While I was aware of my body image and wanting to maintain it, it was all done with a positive body image in mind. Never once thinking or stressing out about any weight gain or wether or not I could or couldn’t eat something. Wether I should or shouldn’t be “working out”. Everything I did was because I was happy and I wanted to do it.
The first time I realized that I had gained weight was the first day of my junior year of high school. I was being bullied by an older girl who absolutely despised me. She kicked my book bag that was on my back with full force, turned to look at me and then down at my belly and said in pure mock and disgust “Yuck, mirale esa pansa” (yuck, look at her gut). I remember that like it just happened. I was shocked and felt like such a gross human being. I was going through what I now know as my first bout of depression, but I did not know it then. I just remember eating a ton of candy all the time. That day I looked in the mirror and for the first time I felt disgusted with my body. I told myself I would stop eating at 6pm everyday, no matter how hungry I was. That was the first time I went hungry because of my appearance and fell asleep hungry, just to loose weight. I told my Dad I wanted to join a gym and he signed me up for Shapes gym. Slowly I lost some weight and felt really good but, I still didn’t know what I was doing.
I did a pretty good job keeping that weight off by going to Shapes off and on but especially because I got into a severely dysfunctional relationship with a boy I was obsessed with my senior year and my appetite was not very high for a long time.
When nursing school started one of my instructors warned us to watch ourselves because everyone gains on average 15 pounds during the course of nursing school and she was right, I put on weight pretty fast. It was non stop eating junk the entire time. My pants wouldn’t rise past my knees at one point and I bursted out crying. Someone had told me about a doctor who helped you loose weight fast. I made an immediate appointment and in a few days I walked out of this doctors office with 2 bottles full of phentermine. Mind you I am 5’5 and was 21 and 140-ish pounds at that time. Mal practice? I think so. The weight dropped so fast, I was so thin and those pills made me feel like I was flying high. I was binge eating and partying, drinking lots of alcohol. I now know this drug destroys the body and is compared to speed. Phentermine messed up my blood sugar levels so bad I still feel the effects of it to this day.
From this point on I’ve continued my education on fitness and nutrition extensively. Trying various forms of exercises, bootcamp classes and binge eating my way thru my early twenties. True change did not happen until 2015. The moment I decided to become 100% Vegan. But thats a different story.
That is in a nut shell the beginnings of my struggle with weight.
I want to seg-way the end of this post to part two of my story on dealing with body image and as I mentioned in the first paragraph, it took quite a twist from what I was originally planning on writing. I will share lots of old photos and explain in detail why I’m sharing and why I am so shocked.